Monarchs nectar on many flowers but will only lay eggs on milkweed. Credit: Dimmick Diaries file photo

A new immigrant community has become the target of President Trump’s persistent attempt to ban someone, anyone, from entering the United States. Moving on from his twice-failed “Muslim ban,” Trump has turned his attention to Monarch butterflies, which migrate annually between Mexico the U.S. and Canada. The butterflies’ multigeneration trip over many months drops thousands of newborn butterfly citizens onto the U.S. landscape, resulting in a subsequent YUGE generation of undocumented citizens.

“Humans have proved surprisingly difficult to exclude,” a White House spokesperson said. “Those losers who wrote the Constitution are really hurting the American people.”

Classifying the butterflies as Mexican citizens, the President said crossing into U.S. gardens during their 3,000-mile flight from Mexico to Canada each spring is “illegal.” Once he learned that they produce hundreds of “anchor larvae” in the U.S., the President vowed to sign an executive order to immediatly undo DACA (the Deferred Action for Caterpillar Arrivals) and raise the height of his proposed border wall to prevent air migration. 

These two Monarch larva, caterpillars, would be deported if President Trump's executive order is successful.
These two Monarch larva, known as caterpillars, would be deported if President Trump’s executive order is successful.

“It’s going to be so tall. People are going to call it Tall Wall. It’s going to be the tallest walliest wall you’ve ever seen,” Trump said. Monarch butterflies can fly thousands of feet above the earth.

San Antonio butterfly buffs have been illegally harboring the interloping insects, creating safe harbor milkweed patches in community and private gardens and along the San Antonio River.

While most Monarchs serve valuable ecosystem roles, Trump insisted that there are some “bad mariposas” in the mix who will burglarize and assault native moths and bees, not to mention decimate our beloved milkweeds.

When entomologists and engineers informed Trump that this was impossible for many reasons, Trump simply dismissed them with a Tweet. “Bug Scientists are losers. No one believes their lies. Science is stupid. So are bugs. #MAGA”

Monarch Butterfly Champion Cities such as San Antonio could face federal funding cuts under the executive order. 

An earlier version of the ban included Mexican free-tail bats, but was struck down by the courts.

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Dimmick Diaries Staff

The Dimmick Diaries is staffed by a hard-hitting team of taco-fueled wombats who, for one reason or another, always happen to be present when news is happening. They report what they can remember.