Councilman Ron Nirenberg (D8) really wants to be mayor. No voter bloc is too small for the energetic mayoral candidate, who shared his Saturday schedule with The Dimmick Diaries to give a glimpse inside life on the campaign trail, or, as Nirenberg calls it, “my jam.”
5:50 am: Alarm plays “Eye of the Tiger.” Spring out of bed already dressed in pressed pants, practical business shoes, and a shirt rolled to just below the elbows to convey hard work and approachability.
5:57 am: Touch up salt-n-pepper hair color.
Reminder: Out of hair color. Buy more “Just Old Enough to be Trusted” by Clairol.
6:02 am: Review names, birthdays, blood types, and mothers’ maiden names for all constituents and reporters while driving to Bracken Cave.
6:30 am: Meet with tens of thousands of Mexican free-tailed bats (non-voters) about the threat of sprawl to our natural resources. Followed by a quick nap (don’t forget inversion boots).
7:12 am: Breakfast with “Concerned Citizens for Lawn Ornament Reform” to talk about how Lawn Ornamentation will be affected by the city’s water security plans.
8:38 am: Leave to hand out Powerade at the Race for Mold Allergies and Hayfever Olfactory Relief (MAYOR) 5K in Brackenridge Park. Make sure to high-five every single runner.
8:45 am: Take call from the Gnome Lobby to assure them that Lawn Gnomes are an integral part of San Antonio’s vibrant and diverse Lawn Ornament future.
9:30 am: Congratulate Race for MAYOR 5K winners, and present plan for “Allergy Sufferers and San Antonio’s Future.”
10:22 am: Coffee with “Concerned Citizen A” on commissioning a Cat Park feasibility plan.
10:58 am: Take call from Dog Park Lobby to reassure them that no Dark Park acreage will be sacrificed to designated Cat Parks.
11:23 am: Host Facebook Live discussion on the importance of Dogs and Cats as the pets of choice for San Antonio’s next 1 million residents.
Noon: Attend opening of pop-up tattoo parlor to discuss city regulations on tattoo facilities and the importance of the body art industry to the San Antonio you deserve.
12:41 pm: Get tattoo to show solidarity with body art community.
Design: Pie Chart of City’s Fiscal Year 2017 budget with statement of financial transparency.
1:41 pm: Cry alone in car while recovering from tattoo. Remind yourself that even a single vote is worth the pain.
1:53 pm: Pick up Chief Child Strategist. Explain why Daddy has a lawn gnome in his car and a pie chart on his forearm.
Reminder: Review “Critical Talking Points for Non-Voters” in advance of birthday party.
2-4 pm: Birthday party with Chief Child Strategist. Discuss the importance of cake and ice cream in the San Antonio you deserve. Take concerns from children (future voters!). Reassure them that they are, literally, the future of San Antonio.
4:01 pm: Debrief with Chief Child Strategist on potential inroads made at birthday party. Ask for performance review.
5:14 pm: Prep for San Antonio Galactic Planning Organization debate.
Reminder: Pick up info packet on Multimodal Solutions for San Antonio’s Space Travel Dilemma.
6:43 pm: Roll down sleeves, put on tie and sport coat. Turn on autopilot. Try not to look desperate.
7-9 pm: Dinner with potential donors from Association of Vehement Opposition To Every Regulation (VOTER).
9:01 pm: Call campaign manager to discuss inevitable conflicts of interest presented by accepting VOTER donations. Craft statement about the need for transparency on campaign donations.
9:34 pm: Review debate game tapes to mentally prepare for next debate.
11:58 pm: Head downtown to claim prime street corner between First Presbyterian and First Baptist. Remember talking points for “Sundays-only Downtowners.”
Reminder: Don’t forget cardboard “Will Work For Votes” sign.
