Mayor Ivy Taylor is known for her stoic nature, calm presence, and subdued delivery. However, critics have long suspected that the politician’s “just-an-urban-planning-nerd” exterior is a ruse to deflect from her controversial career as a late night comedian.
The Dimmick Diaries’ investigative team recently followed Taylor from her home in Dignowity Hill to an underground club in Southtown known as “Capital Improvements.”
The club, which is located in the basement of the Metropolitan Planning Organization (MPO), was thick with smoke, which was revealed to be not from cigarettes, cigars, or hookah pipes, but from several humidifiers.
“When this crowd starts laughing, the asthma attacks are out of control,” the part time club owner and full time civil engineer said.
That asthmatic crowd seemed to be primarily made of city planners, landscape architects, and structural engineers, judging from the amount of non-hipster plaid.
The bartender wiped the bar meticulously with his ShamWow. He then dried his hands on his t-shirt, which read “Multimodal Lover.”
“Most nights it’s pretty tame,” the man said, “But on the nights that Ivy’s performing, we sell twice as much alcohol as normal nights.”
Most of drinks sold at Capital Improvements are rum-based daiquiris and white Zinfandel.
“Mostly though, they just drink water. But they bring their own SteriPEN filters, which makes me wonder if we should be drinking the city tap water…” the bartender mused.
Taylor led with a joke about busted water mains that had the crowd roaring and wheezing. She moved on to bike lanes, urban infill, and toll roads, all to (inexplicable) uproarious laughter. Much of the laughter seemed to come from her ability to make the esoteric subject matter remarkably crude.
“She’s crass, yes, but if you can get past the profanity, she’s just so funny,” one architect said between puffs on his inhaler.
Only one of Taylor’s bits seemed to flop, when she joked about vowing to kill all plans that involved rail-based transport at any point in the city’s future. The room went quiet and one heckler tossed a saltine cracker.
“Eh. She tries that joke from time to time,” the bartender said, shaking his head. “We’re just not ready to forgive her.”
IVY’S GO-TO LIST OF URBAN PLANNING JOKES (SFW)
- Why do aging buildings like to be covered in snow? It increases their albedo.
- What do sailors do when they want to stop at a shopping center? Drop anchor tenant.
- What did the apartments say to the single-family home? “Why so down-zoned?”
- Why does asphalt ignore its bullies? It’s an Impervious Surface
- Knock knock. Who’s there? NIMBY. Nimby who? Well, typically it’s middle class and affluent populations.
- Why did the power line cross the private road? Because it had eminent domain.
- Fannie Mae and Freddy Mac walk into a bar. Then the economy tanks.